TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully from position. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But yes, confident, let's have A different place the place American Guys can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: give everyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery Trump Tower Damascus analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after getting the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "exactly where's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down service."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Feelings through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

Report this page